English Only? Yes! Death by Diversity? No!

On a sailboat off the Virgin Islands- “No mon,” Captain Teddy said to me, “Eet’s not a foreign language we be speakin’. It be English. But it’s dee way we say it. You can’t understand it because we doan wann you to unnerstan it. We doan wann dee toooreests to unnderstan us.”

Yep, “We don’t want the tourists to understand us.”

Teddy slowed his speech and explained the pattern and grammar of the incomprehensible patois spoken by the Islanders. There wasn’t a single non-English word in it, yet it was indecipherable for tourists.

British Cockney slang and idioms have similar roots. It, too, is English, but in a ‘code’ that ‘outsiders’ cannot understand. The story goes that Cockney was created to allow the planning of crimes without eavesdroppers comprehending the words.

Today we have rappers creating their own ‘code.’ It, too, is indecipherable by those not among the slum-world’s cognoscenti. Along with Rap -- Black English, and Spanish are likewise used to create separate cultures within America.

In part, use of such dialects and languages are an attempt to say to the ‘upper-class:’ “I have something you don’t have. I can say something out loud and you – despite your wealth - can’t understand a word I’m saying. In your face, baby!”

That brings us to the question of the day:

Should employers be allowed to create workplaces in which ‘English only’ is spoken?

The answer: Yes! If workers can communicate in English, they should always do so. Frankly – how in hell are they going to become perfectly fluent and comfortable in English if they don’t learn and practice the language at every opportunity?

I have known some immigrants who like to converse in their own language solely to irritate non-speakers. Some do it to gossip privately in plain sight. And some, no doubt few, but some do it to practice deceits on employers.

But, there are two simple reasons, based on culture and etiquette that dictate the answer to today’s question. Why speak English in the workplace?

1. Because it is just plain goddamned rude not to do so; and,

2. It is culturally divisive.

Since childhood we’ve been taught that it is not polite to whisper in front of others. It is not polite to pass ‘secret’ notes to others. Speaking a foreign language in the workplace is the adult equivalent of whispering and note-passing.

To use a foreign language at work is to alienate English speakers and, symbolically to declare: “I am not of your culture.” This, despite the fact that we all know that English mastery by immigrants has been key to their success in America.

Years ago, non-English speaking immigrants knew that use of their native tongue was an oxymoron: a ‘crutch’ that ‘crippled.’

In fact, the immigrants’ imperative to ‘become American’ was so great that the failure of some ‘elders’ to learn English was sometimes considered an embarrassment by the elders’ grandchildren…..But now?

Now we celebrate ‘diversity’ in an orgy of American self-loathing that is leading to cultural suicide.

We are so busy dismantling and de-constructing the cultural institutions, mythology and history that sustained us, that we no longer know what constitute the cultural values we hold dear.

Simultaneously we seem impelled to glorify the traditions of the hell-holes from which our immigrant populations have escaped.

People come to America today because they lived in countries that, variously allow or require: 1) slaveholding; 2) clitoral circumcision; 3) death for unveiled schoolgirls; 4) execution of poets; 5) tribal genocide by machete; 6) death by stoning; 7) one child families; 8) real estate theft and re-distribution; 9) female infanticide; 10) child sex slavery; 11) feeding cows instead of starving humans; 12) book bans and burning; 13) imprisonment for political speech…and the list goes on and on.

And then what do we do?

We tell them to be proud of their roots!

We tell them to ‘celebrate’ their ‘heritage!’

Hell, these are people who think “Sewage” is street pavement.

And you know those Christian Children's Fund advertisements? "This is Manuel. He lives here, in a half-pint Chinese take-out noodle box...."

Well, those ads, for many immigrant children, are the closest thing they'll ever have to 'home movies.'

Then, the third-rate minds running our public schools encourage these newcomers to celebrate and practice the few traditions of their former ‘cultures’ that don’t involve felonies and genocide.

Fortunately there are strict criminal laws that prevent them from demonstrating most of their cultural traditions at ‘Show and Tell.’

And what are we left with?

Folk dancing.

And curry…..I forgot curry.

Along with selective glorification of third-world pot-holes, the public schools are hell-bent on teaching kids that America is a hypocritical, fatally flawed country that practices imperialism.

Children are led to believe that if one of their home countries had some 'natural resource' we value highly – toilet paper for example – we would have invaded them long ago.

People come here from countries that would consider bi-focals to be the Eighth Wonder Of the World and yet we tell them to ‘celebrate’ their heritage? Are we kidding?

They should be celebrating their escapes from hell.

About the only tolerable thing to come from most of these countries is the folk dancing. That – and some native dress that make Big Bird look like an Edwardian.

For those of you who think I’m picking on some particular immigrant group or another, I answer “Not so.”

Now, a quick personal story that informs and shapes my beliefs:

In 1916, my mother’s third grade teacher gave a class assignment to write a paper about their ancestors’ home country.

My mother did not know what to write. She asked her father.

He told her to get a pencil and a paper. He told her to write down each word he said. Then he recited the following:

“My father and his family came here on a boat from Scotland when he was six years old. Scotland was a terrible place to live. We came to America and we have never looked back.”

My mother finished writing, looked to her father and said, “And…? What’s next? I’m ready to keep writing.” My grandfather’s answer?

“That’s it….. You will write nothing more. You take the paper to your teacher. If she does not like it, you tell her to talk to me.”

Now, am I proud of my Scottish heritage? Yes. They were the only people the Roman Empire couldn’t conquer, and the result was the construction of "Hadrian's Wall." [The wall was designed to keep the barbaric, pantless pagan Scot warrior maniacs -- that is to say, "My People," penned up in the North of Britain.] The Scottish men were so manly they could and do wear skirts and no one giggles. [After all - who screws with a country that still thinks the 'caber-throw' should be an Olympic sport?]

Edinburgh, Scotland, was also the birthplace of the Enlightenment. We get ‘two points’ for that.

Oh yeah – the Scots are also big on folk dancing - known as the Highland Fling -that amounts to hop-scotch with swords.

But I’m also aware – and I should mention in passing, for my ancestors, Scotland was just another corner of hell from which to escape.

I was taught that lesson about Scotland at an early age.

Now, if we really wanted to teach kids about their ethnic heritage, we’d teach them everything about their native countries.

After a few discussions of clitorectomies and ‘how we left my baby sister on a hillside to be eaten by wolves,’ the students would begin to gain something called ‘perspective.’

They’d also demand that the teachers never teach anything ever again about their home countries or their native language and culture – with one exception:

Folk dancing. [Except for the Scottish kids: no swords allowed.]

Oh – and ‘curry’….yep, I almost forgot curry….again.

And then, maybe – just maybe – they’d want to think of themselves only as Americans. They’d also want to sound like Americans.

And to sound American means to speak ‘American,’ and that means to speak “English.”