"Monkey?" What "monkey?"

"Pride comes before the fall..." Or - as my dad would say -- "The higher the monkey climbs, the more he shows his arse."

Monday, April 30, 2007

"American Idol Gives Back," Simon Cowell Becomes A Pawn, & We Want To See Photo's Of The Starving Americans


A note to Simon Cowell and the staff at “American Idol” re: their “American Idol Gives Back,” charity special:

If the Boston Globe or the Los Angeles Times could find an actual starving baby – or adult for that matter – in the United States of America, you can bet that kid would be on the front page of every edition for a week!

Now, I’m not talking about some kid held prisoner by a psychopath or a drug addict who refuses treatment and housing. And I’m not talking about some kid who is the child of a nutcase couple who refuse to apply for food assistance.

I’m talking about actually finding starving American kids and adults actually facing death because they cannot get food through one government program or another.

I just don't think they are out there.

If they could be found and stuck in a camera frame, the photographer would get a Pulitzer.

During the recent airing of “American Idol Gives Back,” documentary films of starving and ill people in Africa were shown. The charity special was also designed to raise money for the ‘hungry’ of America.

To that latter end, Simon Cowell was taken on a tour of a food pantry. But he was not shown any starving Americans.

[Older readers may remember when U.N. rep's from the former Soviet Union asked to be taken on a tour of America's slums. They were taken into the heart of Harlem and into apartment buildings. They refused to believe these were the 'slums' of which they heard. Unlike the slums of the USSR, the Harlem apartments had radiators, toilets and running water.]

Simon Cowell was almost incredulous when the manager of an L.A. food pantry told him that it was hard to believe that there were Americans ‘starving’ within a short walk of her headquarters.

And no wonder.

Though neither party stated it as a fact, we were clearly invited to accept the belief, or assertion, that there are Americans, in American cities, on American streets, who are, through no act or fault of their own, starving on this very day.

The assertion is not only ‘incredible’ [as in: not believable] and ‘hard to believe’ [as in: difficult to accept Wendy’s recitation of Peter Pan’s abilities], it is a slander and libel [as in: a false statement designed to hurt the reputation of the impugned] on the reputation of the United States of America.

Simon Cowell did well to express some shock and disbelief. Nevertheless, I can see how he could be led to believe that 'starvation of the poor' was another of America's faults.

After all, he lives in a country in which, according to his current Prime Minister Tony Blair, some 100,000 people die each year just waiting for medical care from their own National Health System. We Americans, on the other hand, have been taught that Britain’s health system is a paradigm that America should follow.

Yet, any Brit’ with half a brain knows that the health system of Britain is a disaster compared to that of America.

So, why should not Simon believe that America’s reputation as the ‘breadbasket’ of the world, capable of feeding it’s poor and those of the world, is similarly the result of partial false advertising?

But – in fact – America’s reputation as a ‘breadbasket’ is deserved whereas the reputation of Britain’s Nation Health System as a paradigm instead of a ‘basketcase,’ is not.

I will allow that there are people who are starving in America. These people are of two types: those who are committing suicide and those who are the victims of murderers.

First, the suicides:

I have no doubt that there are those who refuse to apply for or accept assistance of any kind. We only have to go onto Boston Common to find them.

They are people, who, generally speaking: talk with Napoleon and think they're Jesus, that is to say: the insane; and, drug addicts and alcoholics; and the terminally proud, but stupid.

Second, the murderers:

The murderers are those who usually share the traits of the suicidal types: they are insane, and/or addled and/or proud and stupid.

They are the pathological nut bags who make front page news when discovered, because their pictures are usually accompanied by some headline reading, “Child Sex Slave Kept in Basement Cage and Starved by Crazed Step-Mother.”

But, in America, from the middle of the 1960’s through today, no person has starved unless he volunteered for the honor or had the honor imposed on him by another.

If memory serves, the last case of involuntary starvation in the United States of America was recorded by the government in 1962. Like 'lynchings' in the south, statistics on Americans starving just are not to be found. If they were, they'd be the lead item at the "New York Times."

I do not mean to imply, nor should you infer, that Simon Cowell has intentionally defamed the United States. I do mean to state that he has been used as a pawn by those who get their ‘warm and fuzzies’ from running food pantries.

Additionally, I do not condemn those who wish to better the lot of the poor by making it more convenient for them to acquire a variety of food in a nice atmosphere, free of any real or perceived stigma.

My quibble is with the assertion or belief that there are those in America who are starving because they have no choice.

If those running the food pantries would be honest, they’d say that the assertion of ‘starvation’ is an advertising scare tactic to get folks to donate time, money, and food. They’d acknowledge that their service is designed to make access to food more convenient to the poor and to make themselves, the providers, feel good about providing this convenience.

And, if they had any degree of strong, personal self-awareness, they’d acknowledge that any assertion by them that they are battling real starvation gives them an imagined, but fulfilling sense of a certain epic romantic drama to their efforts.

But, unfortunately, they do not do so. Every time I have seen some documentary on private outfits creating food pantries, the slander of involuntarily ‘starvation’ is mentioned as though it were fact.

I can only think that these are folks, who, in a small part of their personalities, are among that ever growing part of our population I term the ‘Self-loathing Americans.”

As I said, I don’t blame Simon Cowell. He was used as a pawn and a human prop’.

What bothers me is the failure of Americans to extol the virtues and accomplishments of this country. For food pantry managers to talk of ‘starvation’ in America, merely to inflate their self-image and sense of accomplishment is to demean and lessen the impact of actual starvation wherever in the world it is taking place.

And what of the "American Idol" viewers? What about the impact of this "Starving Americans" propaganda on them?

There are tens of millions of young people - not to mention adults - who watch the show. It is a 'ratings' goldmine and the Number One show on the air today.

Already young Americans are assaulted daily with the list of sins and offenses - some real, some false and some which are in between - that America has committed.

They are seldom reminded of the greatness of the country of which they are citizens. Instead they are constantly reminded that, like virtually all societies that have ever existed: we once had slavery; women had no vote and could not own property; children were considered chattel; and the KKK [see: Morality Police, Taliban] had a large membership that sometimes summered at Hampton Beach, New Hampshire.

They are seldom reminded that, unlike most such societies, Americans have -- through Civil War, legislation, Constitutional Amendments and citizen sponsored court challenges -- cast off most of the shackles which still bind the rest of the world today.

Instead, with a constant cultural and media driven drumbeat, youngsters are reminded of the 'sins' of America -- many in the past -- and some not in the living memory of any human today -- in public service announcements, school curriuclums and daily on PBS.

[And, never mind that most of the major 'sins' are in the past. Our culture is like a bickering old couple that goes to therapy. They get their 'act' together. They make progress -- and then? The husband forgets to do the wash and the wife decides this is a good opportunity to remind him of the affair he had thirty years ago. We are a culture that not only remembers its past -- we cannot let it go:
"What do you mean 'America is great?' What about the internment camps for Americans of Japanese ancestry in World War II?"
"We've apologized, paid damages and, if we haven't already, we'll probably be issuing a postage stamp on the topic in the near future."
"That's not enough!"
"No? Well...it's more than the Japanese have done for China to make up for what they did to China."]

Even celebrations of great historical accomplishments such as the drafting of the U. S. Constitution are leavened with reminders to our youth that some of the documents' authors owned slaves.

But, PBS documentaries and historical anniversarives are one thing...."American Idol" is quite another.

For the most viewed show on television today to be bamboozled into showing America as on a par with Zimbabwe or Brazil when it comes to 'starvation,' is nothing short of a cultural and societal libel.

In any event..........

It is nice for the pantry workers to do what they do. It does make the acquisition of food more convenient by having more outlets within a short distance of the homes of the poor.

However, it might be enlightening to mention that, also found in many of those neighborhoods, are the offices of the government agencies that can also provide food stamps and access to myriad programs to help the poor.

For instance, if you want food and housing in Los Angeles, you merely have to go to the welfare department located in South Central L.A. Yeah, that’s the focal flashpoint for the riots instigated by the Rodney King incident. If you get their early in the morning, you’ll leave there by noon with a couple of hundred dollars or so of free food stamps and a ticket to get you into a free motel.

You don’t believe me? Well, very much to my chagrin, I have to tell you how I know it is true.

I went through that very process because I had to go through it – six years ago – in South Central L.A. And, by that evening, I was sitting in an air-conditioned motel room, with private bath, and eating my free food -- all provided by the government.

America is not a country that forces people to starve. It is also a country that won’t let them starve, if only they will simply ask for help.

[coming soon: Part II on ‘Not Starving In America.’]

Friday, April 27, 2007

Banfield, Court TV, Spector and Murder by 'F' Word

I have just finished watching Ms. Ashley Banfield anchoring her Court T.V. show 'Banfield & Ford,' which is covering Phil Spector's trial for the murder of Lana Clarkson. For all young folks aspiring to television anchor-hood she is a very good example of a bad example.

Can anyone tell me why Ms. Ahsley Banfield, Court T.V.'s co-host of "Banfield and Ford" feels some need to keep reminding us that she is not a lawyer?
Why tell us her non-lawyerly status and omit to mention that she is also not intelligent, perceptive or worldly? Why doesn't she just, flat-out, state that she's incompetent to host a show on the legal system?

I suppose she does not remind us of those other items on her curriculum vitae since they are so glaringly apparent from fifteen minutes of listening to her.

Phil Spector - a gnarly looking little beast of a man - is a particularly unattractive individual. According to statements in court documents and in various interviews Spector has given, he is also in love with himself and in love with the "F-word." [See: Masters & Johnson re: intercourse.]

Thus far in today's trial Ms. Ashley has railed against Spector's bad language. She has posted the number of times Spector said the 'F-bomb' [as she calls it] at his house and - separately - listed the number of times he said it at the police station.

This, to Ms. Ashley, is prima facie evidence of Spector's guilt. It is not. It is, however, incontrovertible evidence that Mr. Spector uses the 'F-word' when he is drunk and furious.

Ms. Ashley reminds me of a woman I met many years ago in community theatre. Her father had been a singer on the old "Mitch Miller" television show. He had, according to her, not only never used bad language -- but, in fact, his generation did not know those words.

"And," said I to her, "where do you think my generation got them? Do you think the younger folks of today invented the 'F-word' among others? No - we inherited those words from, among others, folks like Geoffrey Chaucer."

Whether Ms. Ashley likes it or not, that language is a part of our linguistic legacy. However, there are some words in current use today which are not part of our legacy. One such word is 'bomb.' As in, to quote Ms. Ashley during today's report, when wishing a good future to departing Court TV anchor Katherine Crier, "Catherine - you're the bomb." [See: American Idol; Randy Jackson. Then, please tell me if Ms. Ashley thinks Catherine Crier is a great lounge singer.]
Ms. Ashley also appears obsessed with how 'normal' people react when confronted with socially awkward situations involving the newly dead.

Apparently - and according to various statements in police reports which Ms. Ashley read, in part, Mr. Spector denied he had killed Ms. Clarkson.

I paraphrase Ms. Banfield's response to those denials of guilt: "What do you expect? Who is going to admit to murder? I watch cop shows on television. People don't just admit to murder. Of course he's going to deny it."

To which a guest attorney replied [and again I paraphrase], "Well, actually, about eighty-five per cent of perpetrators found at the murder scene or taken to the police station, spontaneously confess to the murder they've committed."


After Ms. Banfield's metaphorical indictment of Spector for 'Murder By Cuss Word,' and her rambling about her immense knowledge of human behavior based on 'Dragnet' viewings, she then started to talk with attorney Beth Karas, a Court T.V. correspondent, who is covering the trial.

Both women appeared on split screen. Ms. Banfield immediately went into another ridiculous rant.

Attorney Karas kept trying to speak. Ms. Banfield kept voiding her own brain. Finally Karas rolled her eyes and stared up and off into the distance.

Now - I know I'm about to go for a 'stretch' here with my observation on human nature and behavior. BUT, unlike Ms. Banfield, my interpretation of Ms. Karas's eye-roll cum thousand mile stare, is not based on watching COPS on television.

It is based on my mother. If my mother's eyes responded to Ms. Banfield's ramblings as did Ms. Karas's eyes, the message would have been very clear:

"Shut up, Ashley - please?! For the love of God will you please shut your mouth!"

Thursday, April 26, 2007

On The Wry Side

Some twenty-seven years ago, I was asked by a newspaper editor to give a title to a weekly column I had commenced writing. He seemed displeased when I gave him the name, "On The Wry Side."


I thought it was an acceptable title for a column that was going to contain some humor, parody, and satire. The editor, however, seemed uncomfortable with it and requested another title.


I asked him why he didn't like "On The Wry Side?"


"Well," he responded, "I get what you're driving at....I mean....you know...like a sandwich...right?...with, like observations between the slices?"


"Huh? Where do you get that?" I asked.


"Well, you know --- wry bread, a side of a slice of wry... a slice of life column...right?"


It was at that moment I realized that my editor could not spell.


He was the first of three editors to fire me over the next twenty-one years. Some of them could spell and some couldn't. But, across the board, none of them could see the value in the stories in which I believed most deeply.


They fancied that they, the Editors, actually selected the most newsworthy stories for public edification.


In that, they were delusional.


The world around them was undergoing profound cultural changes. All they could see were the traffic accidents, brawls and scandals that took place inside the larger story that was going untold.


Now, thanks to Bill Gates, Google, and a plethora of geeks, I get to be my own editor. I am hoping I don't miss the 'larger story,' and I want to know what you think.


And - thanks for reading.

~ Jim Anderson