An article in the May 3rd, 2007, Boston Herald stated in part –
“State Rep. Martin Walsh is howling mad about dogs running wild inside moving cars and is considering filing legislation requiring drivers to buckle up their canines.
‘When I drive down the road and I see a dog running around the car, particularly on the lap and front seat,that’s crazy,' said the Dorchester Democrat.’”
The following is the headline and article we can expect to see in the Herald if such a law is passed:
Boston Herald, May 10, 2010:
“Woman Mauled by 10 Pound Schnauzer! Two hundred Stitches Required! Victim Blames Dog Seat Belt Law -
Curses Day State Rep. Walsh Was Born"
Beacon Hill -The victim, Mrs. Haversham Perkins Foster, spoke from her hospital bed – her face and lips wrapped in gauze. She mumbled through her bandages.
“I never saw it coming….but of course, I never thought of trying to put a seat belt on “Tiny” in a goddamned puppy car-seat until this state Rep. Walsh thought a new law would be a good idea.
“I guess I should have known better. After all, about five minutes before her death, my neighbor, the late Ms.Crenshaw, had tried to seat-belt her Doberman.”
[See related Article, Page 22 “Woman Dismembered In Doggy Seat Belt Brawl” ~ also, see Obituaries, ‘Crenshaw,’ Page 35]
“But Doberman’s are huge. I figured Tiny, being a Miniature Schnauzer, would be easier. I guess I’d never noticed how close Tiny’s mouth was to the rest of his little body. But – then again – I should have realized that if he can lick his own John Thomas, it’s pretty tough to grab him anywhere if he wants to maul you. Frankly, since I’m five foot, six inches tall, I didn’t really think Tiny – at twelve inches and ten pounds, could drop me like a lumberjack. I was pretty amazed.”
This reporter was amazed as well, considering Tiny’s stature. After being subdued at the scene with a tranquilizer dart by officials from the Franklin Park Zoo, Tiny is now living comfortably in the bedpan at Mrs. Foster’s bedside.
[See page 22, T.V. Schedule: Animal Planet, “Boston Animal Cops,” the Doggie Car-Seat edition. Note to viewers: this episode shows footage of violence, blood, mauling, death, human consumption. Viewer Discretion is advised.]
“Incidentally,” asked Mrs. Foster, as I rose to leave, ”have they found Ms. Crenshaw’s left foot yet? She and I went shopping at the mall the day before her passing and it would be so nice if she could be buried wearing her new shoes.”
Interviews with other mauled people revealed similar problems with the new legislation.
“I hate it when we're all in the car and Daddy makes me scratch Bingo’s whoozie,” said little Timmy Smith, of Hanover.
“But, as my dad said, someone’s got to scratch it when Bingo’s belted in his car seat. The insurance company said they won’t cover another ‘totaled’ car unless we comply with their new safety procedures. And that means scratching Bingo’s whoozie so he doesn't flip out.”
“Yes” – said Timmy's father, an accountant, “it’s gotten very complicated. You can’t even drive a dog home from Angel Memorial or the Pound without a puppy-belt car seat in place. My wife, though, absolutely refuses to comply with the A.G.’s new doggy-car-seat reg’s that were enacted pursuant to state Rep. Walsh’s law."
"Of course," he whispered in an aside, "my wife was the one who caused the van to get ‘totaled’ when she wouldn’t scratch Bingo the first time he was in the seat belt. But we’ve got to get her over that phobia. I mean – man oh man – Bingo just went nuts when he couldn’t get them scratched - he ate through the seat belt and that was it for the van - and, well - you've seen what he did to my wife....Anyway, the insurance guy said he’d never seen a van demolished starting from the inside out…..But - my wife says she'll never scratch Bingo's whoozie no matter what -- the regulations be damned. But, of course, no one's getting scratched in this house unless she learns to use her new hands - and that might not be for a year."
“New hands?" I asked.
"I'm telling you, man - Bingo was realllly teed off! The Animal Control guys said they've only seen one person who got it worse than my wife. And that was the drunk who jumped the fence at the zoo and tried to give a Cougar a back-rub."
"And it's going to take a year for your wife to recover?"
“Well - you know - if she's gonna scratch anything, she's gotta learn to wriggle her little plastic fingers and I’m told that will take a while."
“How is she now,” I asked, “when the dog is around?”
“Oh very good, actually. She walks him and they are re-bonding. Of course, my wife hates carrying that little poop-bag in her teeth, but, the law being what it is, and her new fingers being what they are, we don’t want to get fined under the pooper scooper laws.”
Further investigation by this reporter has revealed that the doggy seat belt law has caused havoc resulting in new business for some folks.
Said Mr. Rufus Reilly of ‘Canine Carseats Are Us:’
“Well, we came up with the carseat 'cuz Representative Walsh’s seat belt idea was kinda flawed from the beginning – seeing as how dogs can’t sit up on their arses for more than two seconds. I mean – what the hell do you do with their tails? A seat belt may be fine for dog breeds with their tails cut short and bobbed, like Rottweilers. But it won't work with Huskies.”
“It works with Rottweilers?” I asked.
“Well, in theory, I suppose.”
“And in reality?”
“Well, I imagine putting a seat belt on a Rottweiler is a lot like trying to mate with a bull. – But like I say, the idea of a seat belt was flawed from the beginning – that’s why the Attorney General’s Regulations now require doggy car-seats.”
“So,” I asked, “the seat belt alone didn’t work?”
“Son, let me tell you a little secret: Dogs are carnivores. They got teeth that’ll bite through a buffalo. They eat seat belts like stuffed mushrooms. So, we here at Canine Carseats Are Us” have come up with the solution."
"And that would be?"
“Our finest doggie transporter yet. It’s got a Kevlar belt and Titanium seat – it starts at twelve grand with your choice of color. And - get this - we give you a pair of chain mail gloves for free!"
This reporter then asked, “What if, say, your Rottweiler is in ‘heat?’ Is there any special procedure for ‘belting’ her in a carseat?”
"Seat-belting a Rottweiler in heat?".....Mr. Reilly’s eyes glazed and he was quiet for two minutes...."I'm sorry son...I was at Iwo Jima. Your question just gave me a flashback."
As I prepared to leave, Mr. Reilly called out, “Hey, y’uh know that question about the Rottweiler in heat? Maybe you oughtta ask Rep. Walsh about that. Maybe he knows something we don’t know.”
Or, perhaps – just perhaps we know something Rep. Walsh doesn’t know.
My guess is, it wouldn’t be the first time.
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