June, 2007 - Six men were arrested for plotting to blow up a jet fuel pipeline at New York City's JFK airport. The ability of the plotters to complete their plans was 'pooh-poohed' by Senator Charles Schumer [D-N.Y.]
Also, whereas most of the major newspapers in the U.S. reported the plot on the first or second page, the New York Times relegated the story to page 37. Schumer and the 'Times' are part of a larger phenomenon.
Every time we hear of a foiled terror plot on American soil, a coterie of people and institutions immediately make light of the plotters and of the realistic success of the plot.
What follows here is a fictional press conference with Sen. Schumer. It is very close to what I believe would have occurred had the 9/11 plotters failed. Frankly, after I wrote it and re-read it, I realized how ridiculous their entire plot sounded.
To hear the facts recited is to hear a Hollywood fiction writer who has gone off the deep end. Even a Hollywood producer would have probably called for re-writes to make it sound more plausible: "They take over four jets with box cutters? Are you nuts? Why not have the plotters' secret agents place sleeping gas in the cockpit? Have the plotters be real jet pilots recruited from airlines in the Islamic world. Have them smuggle disassembled guns on the plane. I mean - for cripes sake - no one's going to be terrified or entertained if they believe the movie plot is a joke. People aren't that stupid....It couldn't happen the way you describe it......"
But - indeed - it happened just this way.....
New York - [September 10, 2001] - With all of the so-called '9/11 Plot' suspects in FBI custody, questions are now being raised about the 'panic' caused by the arrests. In a press conference held in front of the Twin Towers, Senator Schumer [D-N.Y.] said the following:
"Though I commend the FBI on the arrest of some fourteen suspects in an alleged plot to destroy the World Trade Center in New York City - I regret having to state that I believe the Administration is using this so-called 'Plot' to scare the American public and to consolidate its base through an outright appeal to fear."
Senator Schumer was quick to point out that - though the alleged 'terrorists' [or as the New York Times referenced them: the 'Abbot & Costello Freedom Fighters for Islam'] obviously had vile and criminal intentions - the 'alleged plotters' were virtually doomed to failure from the start.
"The sum total of their preparation," said Schumer, "was to spend about sixteen dollars on box-cutters at a hardware store."
Said Schumer - "I don't mean to demean the FBI - but let's be real. We're talking about some fourteen or so guys from the middle east - some of whom could barely speak English - who were supposedly plotting to fly two jumbo jets into the World Trade Center this past September 11th."
Schumer pointed to the Towers looming behind him. "Supposedly these jokers were going to 'topple' the Twin Towers....a-hem...I mean - how can I comment on that? Look at the size of those suckers!"
Schumer shook his head as he continued his prepared statement, "The weapons - if we can actually call them 'weapons' with which this Keystone Cop little gang intended to commandeer two major jets were 'box cutters.'"
At this point in the conference Schumer took a box cutter from his pocket and held it up for the cameras. Deviating from his prepared remarks, he continued:
"I mean - Pleeaase! Boxcutters? Can you get the camera to focus more closely? Thanks - You see - the ENTIRE blade protruding from this little device is - pardon my sarcasm - all of - what? Three-quarters of an inch long - if that?"
"Somehow, the FBI and Justice Department expect us to believe that the entire crew of the Jumbo Jets which they claim were targeted - could be subdued by a couple of guys wielding the equivalent of two shaving razor blades."
A ripple of laughter was heard among the reporters present.
"Wait!" said Schumer - warming to his topic and the obviously appreciative audience - "the allegations get 'better.' Supposedly, these fourteen or so alleged 'terrorists' not ONE of whom even had so much as a pilot's license for a single engine Piper Cub - were not only going to subdue the crew and two entire planeloads of passengers - somehow these fellows were then going to 'pilot' these jets straight into each of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. -- I mean - I don't know about you folks in the press - but it took me two days to figure out the new controls on my Mercedes. I got the car on a Monday and couldn't figure out how to signal a left turn or recline the seat until Wednesday."
At this point the laughter among the reporters was widespread.
"And these foreigners were somehow - what? Magically? On the spot - in the cockpit - somehow going to learn to operate the hundreds of gauges on the panel - figure out the geography below them that was speeding by at some five hundred miles an hour - and then - I know, I know, I'm being hard on the authorities - but please, we have to look at this rationally. ---- And then - like homing pigeons, these natives of Egypt, Saudi Arabia and who-knows-what-other country -- these foreigners were somehow going to navigate these huge jets from Boston to New York City - drop down to something like four hundred feet of altitude and then - with the precision of a fighter pilot landing on an aircraft carrier - plow one plane into each of the Twin Towers."
By now the reporters had stopped taking notes. The laughter and derision directed at Bush and the FBI was getting so loud that the Senator had trouble being heard.
"Please - please, if you could just quiet down for a moment!" Schumer waved his hands toward the floor to quiet the audience which, by now had some folks holding their ribs from the pain of laughing.
"Please, I know it sounds far fetched, but - "
"Far fetched!?" shouted Maureen Dowd of the New York Times between outright guffaws. "Shouldn't the FBI get nominated for a children's fiction award at this point? -- I mean, hell, Frank Rich would be a better pilot - at least he knows what New York City looks like from the air. He could probably find Broadway if the weather is fairly clear." [Frank Rich is a communist** for the New York Times and sometimes theatre critic.]
A voice from the back of the press room was heard to say, "Senator - what about the supposed plane that was going to blow up the Pentagon!!!????"
Again - laughter.
"Please, please - that's not been confirmed yet. But, off the record I have heard that - again - there are arrests underway right now for some more plotters who thought that they could snatch another jumbo jet and fly it into the Pentagon. And - though not confirmed - supposedly the plans included 'kidnapping' yet another jumbo jet and driving it straight through the White House."
"And - " called out Ms. Dowd - "I supposed they were somehow going to synchronize the airlines so that all these flights could be simultaneously kidnapped and simultaneously commandeered and, pardon me - simultaneously flown into New York City - not to mention the Washington, D.C.'s heavily monitored and guarded airspace - and - again - without so much as a pilot's license for a single engine plane - pull this all off without anyone noticing."
By this time the Senator put a hand over his mouth to cover his giggles.
Keith Oberman of MSNBC was then heard to say, "Senator - you're a straight speaking man. Please - isn't this nothing but an attempt by the Bush administration to panic the public so as to justify a huge power-grab to enhance their ability to spy on Americans? I mean, look at their proposed legislation for a Department of Homeland Security. Isn't this 'plot' just an excuse to introduce a Republican police state?"
"Well, Keith....Those are your words, not mine. I wouldn't want to question the motives of the President."
"And Cheney?" chimed Olberman.
"Well - Cheney's a different species of cat altogether. I actually think he was the guy on the 'grassy knoll' in Dallas."
After fifteen minutes of press conference - reduced to five minutes by the constant interruption of laughter - Senator Schumer called the conference to an end.
"I'm sorry - " he said. "But - yeah...I mean - this whole damned plot idea is just so damned ridiculous...I mean - what we've got here is a bunch of Wanna-Be Terrorists with grandiose dreams who apparently spent a hell of a lot of time 'B. - S.'ing about their 'clever' [sorry] plan for massive destruction on American territory."
"So you don't buy it?" asked NBC's David Gregory.
"Buy it? David - I wouldn't 'rent it' if I was on the Titanic and this conspiracy was the last life preserver....I mean --- please don't get me wrong. I can see why police and federal officials reacted. But, let's hope in the future they can show a little more mature judgment and discretion before they 'panic' the public. To have the traveling public believe that such a fantastical plot could ever be successful in America - and run by such a loose confederation of loonies - guys who can barely read American street signs - well - I just think there are better ways to spend out time and money."
"Senator? - My name is Mencken. I'm from the Baltimore Sun."
"I like your stuff," said Schumer. "Perhaps you could fit this 'plot' into one of your humorous columns."
"Yes - perhaps. But Senator - I was wondering if you heard about another plot, supposedly involving five or six illegal aliens, the goal of which was to 'blow up' some fuel line that supposedly runs into Kennedy Airport and from there under some of the major roads in New York City?"
"Oh please -" said Schumer, as he gave out a long sigh. First: - I would prefer you use the phrase 'undocumented workers.' I do not think we should refer to hard-working people as 'illegal.'"
"Second: "Hasn't George Bush gotten enough publicity out of this '9/11 Laurel and Hardy' plot to wipe out New York's trade district - and, who knows - the Pentagon, the White House - and I suppose - his ranch in Crawford, Texas? -- I don't think he needs to create another 'conspiracy' to worry Americans."
"You haven't heard about the JFK plot?"
"Come on, Mr. Mencken. I know your sense of irony. No, no - I haven't heard about it but - I'm sure if Bush overheard two wino's in some Newark bar planning it - it'd be the top story in the White House Press Room tomorrow."
This reporter has also learned that the alleged 'ring-leader' and 'mastermind' of this so-called plot on the Twin Towers and Washington, D.C. was being coordinated by some fellow named "Ozamma Be Lighten" or "Bean Laiden," who lives in a cave in Afghanistan.
A phone call to our Middle East bureau reveals that there are neither phone lines nor electrical service in the so-called 'Mastermind's' cave.
One is left to speculate - was this so-called plot coordinated by secret 'post cards' sent by mule pack from the cave of the so-called Mastermind? We can only wonder.
In the meantime, Senator's Schumer and Clinton have announced that they will seek to convene a bi-partisan panel of Democrats to "investigate this 9/11 investigation." Highly placed sources say the panel will investigate the Bush Administration and particularly the office of the Vice-President for abuse of police power.
The FBI's criminal 'investigation' of this so-called "Twin Tower Plot" is reported to have cost upwards of ten million dollars. Some sources believe the money was actually diverted by the Bush administration to fund hotly contested campaigns for seats in the next House of Representatives.
Time will tell. But the Bush-Cheney Administration is itself being accused by some officials from the old Clinton Justice Department of being the 'real' terrorists in this situation. Said one, on condition of anonymity, "Bush and Cheney are the only real terrorists in this deal. They found a dozen or so whack-job Arabs and trumped up a bunch of macho/drunk talk into a plot they could use to terrorize Americans into surrendering their freedoms and into pouring huge money into Bush's CIA for very questionable projects."
So, this reporter asked this unnamed source, "I take it that you don't regard this 'plot' as worthy of serious worry?
"Of course not," said the source. "And that thing Mencken said about the guys who were supposedly planning to to blow up a gas pipeline and incinerate the whole city? Well, all I gotta say is, you get more 'actionable intelligence' out of the butt end of a cow."
Tomorrow: When the dust clears - will their be sufficient evidence of abuse of power to force the impeachment of George W. Bush?
**Editor's Correction: Frank Rich is a "columnist," not a "communist" as stated above......Really!...He's a columnist..What? Why are you laughing? ~ Ed.
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